The other family

The weekend of Fathers day 2012, this is when I found out from my older sister that my dad has been cheating on my mother, his wife of 20 years. Apparently he has a 12 year old and a 5 year old kid. My sister decided to tell me as we were on our way to bowling trip. Her words were, "Your daddy is trifling...He is our daddy and I love him but he is trifling" My boyfriend was sitting in the back seat during this entire conversation. The following day, during an awkward Fathers Day breakfast, he actually admitted to it randomly....almost boastfully.  "Yea I think I got one out there that's albino"...this was my Father's description of one of his other children. They have no names. All I know is ages, and skin colors. Since June 17th, I haven't asked any question because I am not ready for any answers. Being that I already have the complications of being adopted and having a biological family to one day build relationships with, delving into other half siblings.......big ball of mess....that's all.

I love my daddy with all my heart and I always will. He is my Father, the one who chose to raise me when my biological father could/would not. My dad and I have never had an intimate relationship. He has always lived with me..he has always been there but not there. He has never had an active role in my life. His imperfections were...well....they weren't hidden. I know my daddy lies. My daddy does not share money...at all, and He exaggerates like crazy. But the one thing I always knew was that my daddy never cheated....in my eyes it was impossible...my dad's brain just didn't work that way...and besides...who would want my daddy in that way? ugh! (lol, funny but not funny) I also have to mention all the time I heard my mom nagging at my dad about cheating...I would get so angry with her. I never voiced it but now I feel sorry for ever doubting my mothers intuition. 

Well like I said my daddy and I have never had a super close relationship....but when I found out all this...some picture that I had of him in my head fell and shattered into a million pieces. And it hurt...its crazy...all the thoughts that went through my head. I never shared it with my boyfriend (that blog is coming soon!) but as soon as I found out...I looked at him and though, if my dad can do it, why wouldn't you? It was a mind blogging place to be. My attitude towards my dad was ugly. I didn't speak much to him at all for that next month. A lot of prayer....that's what it took... because there was definitely some conviction in my heart for the spirit of unforgiveness I was holding onto with my father. Now I can say that I have forgiven my dad. I still love him to death. My trust issues though???....a whole other ballpark. When my dad is gone all day..and he doesn't answer my phone calls (like today), my mind starts wandering. Because of this....and the breakup a few months ago....I feel more disconnected from the male race than I ever have

Current ugh!:....nothing today.....car still inst fixed but I'm not stressing over that....I know God will provide as he always does.

What I'm thankful for: For God's patience and grace with me and my emotions in this season of my life

Romans 8:18-18 -I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

The beginning....

Everybody deserves the right to experience true healing but I don't think many people get it. Life is not patient nor forgiving enough to really allow the human soul to heal. I learned this lesson  pretty well this summer. There is an awesome circle of people around me that support me but at the moment I'm finding it so impossible to feel close to anyone. I don't know what this exactly because I have never seen this phase before...but right now its just me,Jesus, every Joyce Meyers devotional/book known to woman and this blog.
I don't believe anything I'm going through is bigger than. I know that my Lord's arm is not too short to cover any situation. I am blogging, not to complain, or to dwell on negative things. There is just this unsettling thing going on in my spirit and I want to get it out. I also want to look my thoughts right in the eye, to see whats ugly, whats struggling, whats progressing. And maybe one day I get to show this someone; someone going through a similar situation, my child and husband, somebody might need it. Today I only have enough energy to just list....everything.

June 17th- I found out my father has another family...he has been married to my mother 20 years
July 5th- My partner and I break up. 7 month relationship, short time but extremely painful
July 15th- My mother tells me she going to divorce my father next year
Entire Summer: My goal was to work on relationships with my younger sister, my boyfriend, parents, two best friends, and other friendships they all failed miserably.

Growing up an only child relationships have always been important to me. I have spent all my life with a very introverted mother and a distant father. By the grace of God, I have never failed at building relationships. (until now, lol) This is exactly why this summer has really taken on toll on my heart. Funny part is, I plan on going into a help profession that focuses on exactly this, helping folks (families) build relationships. One Aug 27th 2012, I walked into my 2nd and last year of graduate school for my MSW, ironically the first day was all about divorce! Yea, no triggers there! :) Anyway, I hope to use this blog to talk about each of these relationships that "failed" and my prayer is that God will speak to me through my own writing. That I will see a pattern, notice a blessing,...anything to just keep pushing forward and experience healing. I will end each blog with talking about any current ughs! (as most of this blog will be focused on passed summer events) and something I am grateful for in the present.

Current  ugh!: Car broke down today. I spent several hours acting as the referee in between my parents cussing and arguing back and forth with what I should do with my car. I drive to and from Fullerton 5 days a week. We only have two cars including mine. My mother uses the other car for work so this is a very stressful process. I spent 200 hundred dollars on something that didnt work! Awesome! Turns out I need a new engine. I have classes 18 hours a week, internship 16 hours a week and work 16 hours a week...lots of responsibility; no money; no motor...bad...bad combination!
 My parents have argued all throughout marriage...but now it triggers emotions I don't even understand. I have noticed that I've become much more sensitive to their arguing ever since getting out my last relationship. Between the break-up, their arguing, statistics, and so many other factors,dating seems like an ant climbing mount everest....marriage seems like that same ant climbing mount everest without any legs....sound ridiculous? Well those are the very images in my head.....yet the desire for companionship, a closeness with a man led by the holy spirit is.......real, every night, every car ride to school/ work when there is traffic, every time I sit in a movie theater alone, every time I'm asked "ingaged?...dating at least?", every time I sit at a wedding,....its real....  

What I'm grateful for: My mother and father both stress me the heck out. I might easily end up in a mental institution because of them but I'm still grateful for them...they both love me...they show it in a disfunctional way but the love is definitely there...they both try their best for me...but they are at odds with each other and throw me in the middle all the time. Either way I love them to death...God gave me Lawrence and Diane Boone for  very specific reason....he put it on there hearts to adopt me and I am forever grateful...I hope I can get married, give them grandchildren and reassure them that I'll be okay when they leave this earth. I pray that you would bless them Lord.

This blog felt so good....not done...deciding to end ackwardly . Precious....you will get through this...Jesus love you like you will never understand. He is allowing you to hurt.....walk through it....into victory.